this is me now

7.09.2011

um----tmi---and no---there are not pictures

When you become a certain age---there are things that happen---
5 start school
8 baptism
16 drivers license, date
21 drink (well---if you choose to imbibe)
67 retire

there are also things that physically happen at/about certain ages
6 mo crawl
12 mo walk
2-3 yrs potty-trained
6 baby teeth fall out
12 puberty sets in
40 need bifocals or reading glasses

you get the idea

there are also medical tests with a date attached
vaccinations have ages
mammograms
prostate checks
COLONOSCOPY screening

every year, millions of people are supposed to have this age-appropriate procedure done---most dont---why?
1. GROSS-EW--YUCK
2. fear of the preparation
3. STINKIN EXPENSIVE
4. ew--gross---yuck
5. fear of the procedure---really---a camera up where?

yep---when you hit the big 5-0 it is time for a colonoscopy screening....now---for truth in advertising---i hit the big 5-0 um/er/coughcough a number of months ago----but David said we had money in our healthcare reimbursement account that needed to be used up---so i went and got new glasses....and had a chat with my primary-care physician....who agreed it was time.....yuk.
but i put on my big girl panties and went to see the gastro-enterologist.
 (sidenote: WHO THE HECK WOULD GO TO SCHOOL FOR 8 YEARS TO DO THAT FOR A LIVING?)
i explained to Dr Guinan that, since i had a gastric bypass 30 years ago, there was NO way that i could drink the gallon upon gallon of liquid required to 'prep' for the test....isnt there a pill?  he said 'yes--there is a pill---but it is 20 pills---with water'----so he prescribed a different prep---16 oz of a grapy-flavored water type drink---followed by 32 more ounces of water--all to be drunk in one hour (yeah---it took me 2)---drink it the day before---then 4 hrs before the exam---repeat....(so i was up at 2 STINKIN A.M. drinking this---took me nearly 3 hours---watching ESPN) (my prep cost $60---WELL WORTH THE MONEY---SUPREP BOWEL KIT)---then off to the endoscopy center.  oh---btw---the diet for the day before is clear liquids.....THAT WAS THE WORST---green jello, chicken noodle soup sans the noodles or the chicken,popsicles (nothing red or purple---you figure it out)----and stay close to a "facility" (if you get my drift).  (btw---if you dont do it right---the dr will send you home and you have to RE-DO it!---um, no thank you)
i had, of course, googled all the info i could about said age-appropriate procedure----DONT DO THAT---it will scare you to death.  I had pictured (here goes the tmi part---you were warned) myself semi-conscious (in Europe they do this WITHOUT ANESTHESIA!), butt-up (yep--i said it)---groaning (google talked alot about groaning during the procedure)
david drives me to the center ===where we pay (all bills together) nearly $600 WITH INSURANCE (what is wrong with this country????!!!!!)...and wait...and wait.
FINALLY they call me in---i put on a lovely gown and lay on a bed with heated blankets and towels---THANK YOU!---cute little socks with rubber stripes on the bottom complete the ensemble.
we wait---and wait....does not bode well for mr right-before-me .....if they find polyps---the dr has to cut them out---more time on the table.
the anesthesiologist---Charlie--cute bald guy with tats on his neck---"HEY---ARE YOU SURE YOU WENT TO MED SCHOOL?"---comes in---tells me what to anticipate and i request REALLY DEEP SEDATION---he assured me i would be out.
iv--in---ouch---my already bad veins are so dehydrated that cute nurse Dee has trouble---so when she gets the i.v. in she puts me on a little saline solution---my voice is totally hoarse due to the dehydration--again---figure it out yourself----i lay on my left side nice and relaxed---they roll me into the (duh-duh-dahhhhhhhhhhhhh) procedure room---there is a tv---Disney? Pixar?---no---my innards.
okay---ready to go---dr guinan comes in and apologizes for the delay---lots of polyps today--but maybe i'd break the trend---i told him to take his time....and i'm out.
waking up---there is david---total of about 15 minutes later (wait---did the dr really check me out thoroughly in that short of time?)----(wow---do the math---he's getting paid like $2000 an hour!)---i feel fine---AND I'M CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! yay!----wait--couldnt he have found SOMETHING nice and benign to make all this worth it?
lots of---well---hmmm---how do i put this delicately? well---they fill your colon with air so he can see---and the air must go out----so the nurse encourages me to let loose....excuse me.
30 minutes later i am dressed and heading home---stopping for Wendy's fresh-cut french fries with sea salt---and a nice long nap.
long story short----it was no big deal---prep was easier than i thought---worth the extra money---no memory--no discomfort....TOO STINKIN EXPENSIVE....
see ya in 10 years!

6 comments:

Ashley said...

i thoroughly enjoyed that, thanks! If it's the same Dr. Guinan that practices at Harris Southwest, he's awesome. Actually I've found all the GI doctors are very friendly, not sure exactly why that is, but they are all nice! Glad everything went well and thanks for the laugh!

Merf said...

yes! it was the same dr---i totally loved all the people there--so attentive and clear-spoken.

Piter and Heidi said...

Ewwww Yucky Ewwww
You are right Too much money and TMI
Thanks for the info...I think?

Ashley said...

Glad you can put that BEHIND you and don't have to deal with it for another 10 years. Why'd you bother with your big girl panties though - didn't ya just have to take them off? ;) And who is this other Ashley? Now I'm going to have to identify myself better :)

-Ashley WRIGHT

dsadf said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christie said...

We've got some FSA money we need to use up, but I don't think I'll be going for this option!