this is me now


happy 32nd nursery

our hotel and view from our room (to the side)

Ben hall says "happy nursery, grandma!"----happy 32nd anniversary to us! david totally took over this one---he surprised me with a trip to Galveston for 3 1/2 days----we drove down Thursday morning---stopping in Huntsville for a flat tire and 2 new tires---stopping in Houston to attend the temple (one of the prettiest)---spent Friday on the beach and a dinner of shrimp---absolutely no time table---played some FarmTown (have been neglecting my farms as of late)----our hotel is right on the beach---so its a short walk down---got a bodyboard for today (saturday)---leah and joe and the boys are coming to play at the beach with us.....heaven.
shrimp on the water

tire---can you see the gash? we hobbled for 2 miles to a rest stop

...where david changed the tire in his good clothes!

people next to us were feeding the seagulls---havent they ever seen alfred hitchcock's "The Birds"?

this was my view most of the day---and i need a pedicure

david is the dark form in the back----way too far out in the water for my taste---but cool picture of the bird!
view from our balcony

david gave me some gorilla glue---he is the glue keeping my cup together

and, did you notice? no talk of crying or of wayward children----oh-----dagnabit.


coincidence? blessing?

today is the first day in more than 2 months that i havent significantly cried.

bordering on inappropriate thats how dave described my post----not in a mean way---but in a 'merf---you may be being too up front and blunt and personal' kinda way...... so let me take a minute to be positive all about all this ##*)^&*(&)^*!& (hows that for inappropriate, david? hmmmmmm?)
  • i have 3 guest rooms
  • our milk bill has gone down by 150%
  • i can sleep in til whenever i want to---really---not in 28 years have i been able to do that
  • david and i can travel together without a second thought.
  • i have a much better understanding of how much we hurt Heavenly Father when we turn away
  • i have every confidence and total faith that ace will come home---not whole---but home
  • i am so blessed with nurturing children---my daughters and their husbands have been so active in calling family fasts, skyping family prayers, contacting ace on their own----even Sam told Ace to go home.....and Molly assured sam that Ace was wrong....who knew?
  • we have a home teacher that is our advocate----we are not high-maintenance members of the ward---but when he saw a need---he totally jumped in with both feet....and we have a High Priest group leader that doesnt really know us---fairly new in the ward---but he came over and apologized for the 'stand-back' attitude---and expressed a desire to do what he could
  • i have a very young---like 22 yrs old--- primary president that is pregnant with like #17 child ---the oldest of which is like 3 (the use of the word 'like' is for exaggeration purposes)----and she is letting me be flaky---and yes---asks me how i am----and then apologizes for not saying anything----:)  i'm really not flaky....just distracted.
  • i went up to a sister in the ward that i know not well---but knew that there were trials going on in her life---and asked her how she was and how her family was----would never have done that before---would have assumed she had friends that were taking care of that.
  • i have always known that our families (both sides) care---but there has been a level of prayers and concern that is felt and so appreciated.  one brother even sent me an edible arrangements!---did i ever tell you the story about my sister-in-law (same one that sent me the edible arrangement) and her daughters sending me a care package of chocolate a couple years ago during a time of crisis?  i wanna be that.  (now i'm thinking that they may think i am ALWAYS in time of crisis--and that food fixes everything---well---they are half-right)
  • google and (in no particular order)---answer so many questions.
  • i was born with bottomless tear-ducts----who knew?  that may come in handy someday....or maybe its a newly recognized muscle group that i can get credit for exercising.
  • and---this part is for Heavenly Father----i have totally learned everything i need to from this experience---i get it---i understand--- thanks for the totally got it------now its time for it to be over.



....dont think so----but a new normal has set in---one i hate hate hate HATE...a normal that includes daily crying....watching for an email or any sign...anger...depression...peace...sadness so deep you cant imagine...then back to anger and a need for vengeance (yeah---its one of the great weaknesses of merf---cross me and watch out)....a full understanding that there are others that are suffering the same and others that are enduring SO much worse than i.....but i'm not them....and this is me....and it hurts like an open wound....bleeding....oozing pus....streaks of infection striating out (hmmm---is that medically correct verbage?)----i pray---i bargain---i promise---i threaten----the only answer i get is "merf---not about you---not you---not you"....and that eventually it will be okay---maybe not great---but i pray for great---but at least okay---but its not okay.

ace is still gone.  it is so mean---so unkind----to rip yourself away from people who love you without any real explanation...he continues to float from place to place---he is not in a good place---and i know he cant be happy---and i pray that he is miserable....yeah---i say those kinds of prayers.

we have his stuff---and have given him a deadline to come and get it or we get rid of it---thats the vengeful merf jumping out----but we arent a storage unit and if he wants to be 'unto himself'---then do it.

david and i---we cry---a lot----a lot.  but we are making plans...for empty nesting....for us.... we have learned alot about us---about each other...about other people....about friends....

having our nephews and niece here for the summer (Brian & Ashley Ensign & Jake Ensign---here from BYU doing pest control to earn money)---they are heaven-sent------having the house with people in it makes it tolerable---altho they have seen me cry more than most anyone else EVER!

a few stars have come into our lives----a very few----we continue to be disappointed in people who dont notice----i dont care if you are afraid that i might cry by asking about ace---i cry because you dont notice ace isnt here----and i am offended----and i continue to be---- how bad is it? david is nigh unto offended---AND HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR MY SWEET HUSBAND TO BE NIGH-UNTO-OFFENDED?  its bad enough that we have talked about moving---or serving a church-service mission---something where it doesnt hurt to go to church.....more on that later...for sure....names named.... but there have been some stars that have entered and re-entered our lives that have not been hesitant to speak---and i hope to remember that and be that star---because i know that i have been the one to not speak up when i see pain in others----


back?  not sure....but certainly not the same....the world according to merf is not the world merf would have designed.