this is me now

6.11.2012

back?

....dont think so----but a new normal has set in---one i hate hate hate HATE...a normal that includes daily crying....watching for an email or any sign...anger...depression...peace...sadness so deep you cant imagine...then back to anger and a need for vengeance (yeah---its one of the great weaknesses of merf---cross me and watch out)....a full understanding that there are others that are suffering the same and others that are enduring SO much worse than i.....but i'm not them....and this is me....and it hurts like an open wound....bleeding....oozing pus....streaks of infection striating out (hmmm---is that medically correct verbage?)----i pray---i bargain---i promise---i threaten----the only answer i get is "merf---not about you---not you---not you"....and that eventually it will be okay---maybe not great---but i pray for great---but at least okay---but its not okay.

ace is still gone.  it is so mean---so unkind----to rip yourself away from people who love you without any real explanation...he continues to float from place to place---he is not in a good place---and i know he cant be happy---and i pray that he is miserable....yeah---i say those kinds of prayers.

we have his stuff---and have given him a deadline to come and get it or we get rid of it---thats the vengeful merf jumping out----but we arent a storage unit and if he wants to be 'unto himself'---then do it.

david and i---we cry---a lot----a lot.  but we are making plans...for empty nesting....for us.... we have learned alot about us---about each other...about other people....about friends....

having our nephews and niece here for the summer (Brian & Ashley Ensign & Jake Ensign---here from BYU doing pest control to earn money)---they are heaven-sent------having the house with people in it makes it tolerable---altho they have seen me cry more than most anyone else EVER!

a few stars have come into our lives----a very few----we continue to be disappointed in people who dont notice----i dont care if you are afraid that i might cry by asking about ace---i cry because you dont notice ace isnt here----and i am offended----and i continue to be---- how bad is it? david is nigh unto offended---AND HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR MY SWEET HUSBAND TO BE NIGH-UNTO-OFFENDED?  its bad enough that we have talked about moving---or serving a church-service mission---something where it doesnt hurt to go to church.....more on that later...for sure....names named.... but there have been some stars that have entered and re-entered our lives that have not been hesitant to speak---and i hope to remember that and be that star---because i know that i have been the one to not speak up when i see pain in others----

enough

back?  not sure....but certainly not the same....the world according to merf is not the world merf would have designed.

11 comments:

Sharon said...

Meredith, I would love to be able go out to lunch with you, or sit and talk for a real long time, and shed a few tears and hugs together. I know that it is so heart-breaking what you are going through. I've been going through some of the same stuff for about 13 years now. The one thing that I have learned is that they need/want our love more now than ever before. Never forget that our Savior is always mindful of you and your feelings.

Caroline said...

Sometimes agency really sucks, and I'm so sorry it is sucking so royally for you right now. I've been waiting for a while for you to "come back" hoping it would mean things were better. :(

I wish you didn't have to understand Heavenly Father like this, to be so completely in His shoes, in a sense. At least He completely understands you, right? He's been where you are with a good chunk of his kids.

I'm giving you hugs and prayers from Michigan!

Unknown said...

Glad to see that youre back. Not glad about the situation.

Piter and Heidi said...

I didn't get near enough time together with you on Saturday but miss you I do and am so glad you came!!!! You were silently there for us when we joined the church and sometimes talking helps but for the most part...time is the only relief we get...I remember telling David when he was my Bishop that I just wanted to scream... he told me you had a big back yard I was welcome to use.... It didn't really help because it wasn't the scream I needed, it was my life back to normal... Thanks for all your support through the rough times, silence really was the best I could do until I was ready to open up...I know after I opened up the healing started...before that, I festered.now my life is much better but look how long it took and how many tears, meltdown, and prayers:( I'm not in your shoes but I am in your life...and I love you!!! But remember...you do have a big back yard to scream in!!!!

Ashley said...

I think people don't ask because they don't know what to say. Same thing when someone dies; we don't know what to say so sometimes we just don't say anything. Doesn't make it right, and I know it hurts you to feel isolated. I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer some kind of encouragement, like "it will get better" but it may not. Maybe time will help you get used to the new normal, but it may never be the life you want. But it is Heavenly Father's plan for you right now, so there must be a reason. Just keep breathing and treading water and taking it one day at a time.

Natalie said...

This makes me so sad to think of you crying and not the always smiling leader I know. I've thought of you often lately...hoping things were better. I should have dropped you a line. :( Know that there are lots of people who love you cause of the influence you've had in their lives!

mt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mt said...

By the way, this is Shauntae...I'm using my mom's computer and I can't figure out how to log off of her account. So anyway, here's my comment:
I'm sorry that I didn't say anything...I didn't know...but I'm so happy that I got to hug you when I saw you. Love you Lady. <3

Ashley said...

Ditto what the other Ashley said - sometimes people are just so shocked or confused they don't really know what to say. But I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Such a shame about Ace, really, really a shame :( I'm looking forward to seeing you at the reunion in August - I'll give you a big hug of comfort!!

Christie said...

Or sometimes people don't say anything because they have a long track record of meaning well, but saying just the wrong thing. Yeah, I gotta work on that.

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