this is me now


reality check

when something happens that stops you in your tracks---you have to step back---whether it is a serious illness, a death, unemployment, break-up---or the loss of a dream----you step back and re-aim your focus---you change your normal---then you have no choice but to continue on.

"We don't always know the details of our future. We do not know what lies ahead. We live in a time of uncertainty. We are surrounded by challenges on all sides. Occasionally discouragement may sneak into our day; frustration may invite itself into our thinking; doubt might enter about the value of our work. In these dark moments Satan whispers in our ears that we will never be able to succeed, that the price isn't worth the effort, and that our small part will never make a difference. He, the father of all lies, will try to prevent us from seeing the end from the beginning."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "See the End from the Beginning," Ensign, May 2006, 43

enduring to the end isnt the goal----because usually we dont have the choice of enduring or not--- it is
HOW we endure it----whether we choose to use our energy to tread water--flailing about, hoping for someone to rescue us---or to use that same energy to move ahead.  i flail----then a switch turns on and i adjust my view of normal---not without belly-aching and 'why me-ing'---yes---i'm that person---i know so many people that have struggles and afflictions and pains that are greater than mine----i feel weak when i think of how easily i whine.

"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."  Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 9


as open as it gets

ace left home.

and i died a little.

ace is struggling with some demons and some poor choices....and not sharing them with us so we could help.

so one day after a week of attitude horribleness and us asking what is going on----he just looked at me and said "i have to go"

he packed a hiking backpack...jumped on his bike....and left.

and i died a little.

i went to school to see him---he wouldnt speak to me.

and i died a little.

he emailed me that he was safe...but wouldnt say where he was.

he came over for dinner after a week---and was fine---until we tried to get him to talk to us---and he shut down...and left.

and i died more.

no way to be cryptic----no way to sugar-coat----there ya go.


Bring him home - Alfie Boe [Les Misérables in concert, the 25th annivers...


One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry
(Cry, cry, no more laughter) I should be happy
(Oh, why did he go)
Since he left my life's so empty
Though I try to forget it just can't be done
Each time the doorbell rings I still run
I don't know how in the world
To stop thinking of him
'Cause I still love him so
I spend each day the way I start out
Crying my heart out
One less man to pick up after
No more laughter, no more love
Since he went away (he went away)
(One less bell to answer) Why did he leave me
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Now I've got one less egg to fry
One less egg to fry
(Why, why, why did he leave) And all I do is cry
(One less bell to answer) Because a man told me goodbye
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Somebody tell me please
Where did he go, why did he go
(Why, why, why did he leave) How could he leave me



its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
its not about me
still not about me


not done cooking

do ya know what happens to cookies that you take out of the oven too soon---or a quiche---or a pie---or a cheesecake--heck---even a turkey----if you take it out before its done cooking---you have to throw it away.
cookies will just flatten and get mushy
quiches and cheesecakes will crack and fall
undercooked turkeys will kill you

let me put the cookies in for just a while longer