ben...i'll be there

..no....not my beautiful grandbaby boy ...

and its not my beautiful son-in-law...

Ben is the name of my favorite Michael Jackson song....
Ben is a rat....but the song is a beautiful poem of friendship....

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We've both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend will see
You've got a friend in me.

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's something you should know
You've got a place to go

I used to say "I and me" now it's "us" now it's "we".

Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben.

When I was 14, my crush and I always danced to "Ben"...if you can get over the idea that it is a love song to a rat....the song is lovely. It was "our song". Michael jackson's voice was amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSqo17o2a1w

What a talent Michael Jackson was....songwriter, performer, dancer, choreographer, producer...how sad that his personal life scandals marred his legacy....a genius talent.
Michael was born the same year as I....its always hard to be reminded that our days on this earth are numbered....no matter your age....

maybe this will remind us to be grateful for every day we have ...and for everyone that shares that time with us.

p.s. just as i say "Ben" is my favorite....and it is...then this one pops up! LOVE THIS SONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehal1eUG1jk&feature=related

my heart smiles....tis the season!

dropped ace off at school today.

"hmmm? what?" you say! its June! school is out....right?

yes....but tis the season....and my heart smiles.

10 years ago I dropped Leah off at school.....twas the first season.

ace started MARCHING STINKING BAND (that stinking is meant in a totally awesome and amazing FREAKIN good way)....3 days this week...then for real come August.

once again, I have a reason to sit at the football stadium at 7 a.m. and watch 300 kids march back and forth...to spend every weekend getting a sunburn watching 20-30 bands....no more "Meredith! you dont even have a kid marching!"...no more....now...once again.... I HAVE A KID MARCHING!

marching season means:

• sitting with friends watching the band...talking about band...volunteering for the band.
• sno-cones during hot rehearsals
• football games every friday night
• tailgate parties before the game
• 5 hr drives to austin and houston for competitions
• $30 tickets for competitions...and worth every penny
• dry-cleaning uniform every stinking (meant in a horribly tedious way) week
• not breathing for 8 minutes every competition while I watch my son march
• waiting in the van late at night for the band to get back from away games and competitions (and may i boast....we are in the same van we had when leah started band! yay for the big maroon van 10 years old!)
• counting the times i have to here "Simple Pleasures"....its old before they play it!

marching season makes me happy

my first-born in the wilderness....Leah's story

25 years ago today I became a mother....i didnt know it for 6 days....but May 25, 1984 changed my life.
lets start at the very beginning (admit it---you are humming the song!)

Dave & I were married June 21, 1980....and when I wasnt pregnant by July 4th....well, I was a bit miffed. By December 1980 I was visiting with my doctor. "Normally", he advised me,"we dont worry about infertility when you've only been trying for 6 months....but....(tmi alert) since your periods are so irregular....we will run some tests."

this was 1980....fertility treatment was hit and miss and expensive....but we started the calendars/temperature-taking....all the old-school regimen.....

nothin.

no answers except my periods were irregular.....so by 1982 we had run out of tests and had nothin. I was angry and bitter and.....it wasnt pretty. I hated mother's day and would cry when I would hear of a friend or relative's pregnancy....not that I would wish them to not be blessed...but i just couldnt figure out why God would give a commandment to have children....BUT NOT YOU! I still remember that pain....it still hurts when I see others having to experience it....that is on my discussion list for God.

David graduated with his Master's degree and we got a job in Yuma, Arizona....so off we went. I got a job as a teacher's aide in a computer lab at a junior high....we built a house. We also started adoption proceedings with LDS Social Services...our church's adoption agency.

There was not a big conversation about 'IF' we should adopt....it was very easy.

Back then, the agency required a year waiting time for the paperwork/home study/background check and references...and $2500. I had inherited $1000 from my grandmother, Leota, upon her passing in November 1980...we put that money aside until we had something special we wanted to use it for.... December 1982, we knew this was that something special...and knew grandma would approve.

March 1984....my brother, Matt, and his wife, Shelley, were living in Denver, Colorado. Their first child, Michael, was born. He was to be blessed the first Sunday in June....so David & I decided to take a quick trip for the weekend. We surprised Matt & Shelly....my parents and my little sister, Pyper (almost 15) were also going to be there.

At the time, we had 4 dogs....yes...satisfying my need to nurture. we asked our friends, the Adams, to watch over the house and dogs. (foreshadowing...they had 2 adopted kids)....

sorry....this is quite the tome.

we arrive in Denver Friday night and everyone is happy to be together...Michael is a doll of a baby and I'm happy to see family. We go to Marie Callendar's for dinner....i remember that because:
1. i love marie callendars
2. my dad was appalled that it cost $50 for 7 of us to eat there...it was 1984.

we went back to Matt's apartment....it was a tiny apartment...tiny enough that david and i were sleeping UNDER the kitchen table...the shower head in the claw-foot bathtub hit about the middle of my back. We sit around and chat....david jumps in the shower....the phone rings.
Matt answers....looks at me questioningly and says....."it's your Bishop!"
I take the phone and the bishop says "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU WERE GOING!?" i kinda shrugged (yes...i know...he couldnt see a shrug over the phone...) he told me that our LDS social services caseworker had called him that morning and said he was trying to get in touch with us and couldnt find us....did he know where we might be? they called our work (we had just told our jobs we were going away for the weekend....not specific enough)....the caseworker called back the bishop for more possibilities....this was before the days of cell phones. eventually, the Bishop called the Adams and they said we were visiting my brother in Denver and my maiden name was Ensign...so the bishop called every Ensign in the Denver phone book...there were like 10! HE CALLED ALL OF THEM UNTIL HE FOUND US!

the bishop told me to call our case worker RIGHT NOW....i asked him "is this it?"....he said...."call him". I hung up...stunned...my parents and brother & sisters were sitting there....all of our jaws were on the floor...I got David out of the shower and told him about the conversation....he took a deep breath....and called the caseworker....who chewed us out for not letting him know we were leaving town....hey guy....if we had known our baby's birth was impending....WE WOULDA CALLED YOU!....anyway...he told us that he had been searching for us all day....and we had a BABY GIRL waiting for us in Phoenix...and would we like to pick her up Monday!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH....we were flying back on monday.....to Phoenix....how convenient! we said sure.

THE HOUSE WENT CRAZY! we were so excited....so stunned....so surprised....so OH MY GOSH. by about 11 p.m. everyone had settled in...except for david and i...we were wide awake....and in this tiny apartment....there was nowhere to sit and talk and plan...so we headed to Denny's.....we talked about names, made lists of what we needed to do...called the Adams'.....she'd been waiting all day for us to call her....she knew from the Bishop's phone call that this was THE call!

we decided to name her Leah Leota...after my grandma. :)

we finally went back to Matt's apartment....and collapsed...under the kitchen table....except I still couldnt sleep....so i curled up in a chair next to their bathroom door and read every baby book Shelley had...in the middle of the night Shelley got up to feed Michael....there i was...wide awake...reading Dr Spock!

we spent Saturday calling family and making lists. Mom & Dad took us to Sam's club (or an early version of it)....no...not Sam's....it was that catalog store where you would order from the catalog in the store and your merchandise would appear on a belt like at the airport baggage claim. They bought Matt & I each a stroller for our babies....and a car chair! We bought leah an outfit to come home in. (i'm tearing up right now writing this!). My mom and Pyper would fly with us to Phoenix....we'd get our car and drive to the office where Leah would meet us. My dad would drive the 1000 miles back to Freeport, Il BY HIMSELF!

saturday afternoon we went to a park....i slept on the picnic blanket.

Sunday was Michael's blessing at church....that was a special day of fasting and gratitude for us.

Monday morning dad headed back east....and we flew to Phoenix....got our car and headed to the agency office. We were met at the door and escorted to the office where we signed all sorts of paper and wrote out a check for the balance of our account....we could hear movement in the room next to us.....after all was signed....the door opened and there in a bassinett was our baby Leah....okay...now I am weeping.....now....2009.

we put her in her purple dress we brought...change a dirty diaper...and go out to the lobby where my mom and Pyper are waiting. We all squish into our tiny little T-1000 (like a chevy chevette subcompact)....and drive the 3+ hours to Yuma....where we find our house DECKED out in balloons, diapers, banners and baby stuff everywhere...thanks to the Adams!

david & I each go to work the next day, bringing Leah (it was the last week of school for me....so i also gave notice)....when we told people she was ours....NO ONE believed us! we had not advertised we were adopting because we got tired of people asking when it would happen.

Leah has been a joy....she took us out of the wilderness and into the adventure that we had yearned for and prayer for for 4 years....thats a lot of 4/fors. Leah is a lovely person....a loving daughter....a lover of humanity.

She gave us our first grandchild.....and our 4thleah...right after her mission....2007.

leah and joe and cannon....december 2008....we'll have a deja vu december 2009!ace and leah at her husband, Joe's, sister Sarah's (following all this?) wedding reception....march or april 2008...she was so sick...no, not sick...pregnant.

my baby girl is 25....love you leah leota liahona jeppson junior the third twice removed 17 times.

P

i've always known my kids would search for their birthparents....henceforth known as "bm"...no,,,that doesnt sound right....um....henceforth to be known as mb (mother by birth)....that sounds a lot better....anyway....as i've said before, 5 of my 6 are adopted....so i've relied on mb to allow me to be a mom. all of our adoptions were very closed....so we didnt know names or identifying information...we had stories that we were told about our kids' beginnings...but thats about it. we set an age of 21 for our kids before they should/could/would start the search...that way, at age 15, they didnt decide they hated us and go off in search of more loving and lenient parents.

Leah has always been very forthcoming that she would like to find her mb. I understand why a child would want this information.....yeah the whole politically correct "i want my medical history"...but i understand more wanting to see someone who you look like or to have an understanding of what happened....and best of all...to say thanks.

Right after she (leah) got home from her mission she started talking about finding her mb...what the heck...her mom....i know, I'M HER MOM, but i try not to get wrapped up in labels.....so after she got married she started the process. none of us knew how easy or difficult this would be. she contacted LDS social services (the agency we used for her adoption back in 1984....they referred to a private investigator in Arizona that would help her and be the intermediary....i guess each state is different in how you do the search....or each agency is different. the cost was high....so leah & joe delayed while they saved the money.....then, thru the generousity of friends...the money was acquired.....then cannon happened....so they took a breath. After christmas 2008, she started the search again....contacted the private eye (are any of you old enough to remember them being called that?) and got the search going....within a couple of weeks...maybe less....she had a city! HER MOM LIVES WITHIN 15 MILES OF HER.
disclaimer: i am not going to give identifying information about her mother....i'll be cryptic....but it wont ruin the story....
her mom....now to be referred to as P.....has an elementary age daughter....is married and lives very close to Leah. the private eye had them both sign documents saying they wanted to be connected...Leah placed a phone call to P at work.....then Leah being leah ( love you leah!)....lost her phone....for 3 weeks....she had a left a couple of messages with P but had not heard back....so we thought maybe P had some people she needed to talk to first or things she needed to put in order....but Leah had reached out and felt good about it.....after the 3 weeks, we replaced Leah's phone when she came to Fort worth to visit (and then go with us to Beaumont for Ben's blessing)....never occurred to us that P couldnt call leah if LEAH DIDNT HAVE A PHONE! in the car to beaumont Leah starts looking at her voice messages and missed calls...THERE WERE TWO FROM P! that poor woman had called leah back....and now hadnt heard from leah for 2 1/2 weeks.....I WOULD HAVE BEEN PSYCHO! so..... I was able to sit next to leah while we drove to Beaumont for Easter as she talked with P.....it was nice....leah told her about our family and the things she had done....even thanked her for making the choice to let us raise her. Since then, leah and joe & cannon have met P and are planning to get together with P's family soon.
how do i feel about this? i'm thrilled....as long as i get the emotional reassurance from my kids....and they tell me i'm cuter....i'm okay....these are women we have talked about and admired for 25 years.....women who made it so i could be a mom.....the best label ever. i would love to meet each of them and put my arms around them and express my gratitude....and hope they are happy with the end result of our combined efforts.

thanks P.

a baby story....my baby....Ace

....May 12 my baby turns 15. I look at all 5' 11" of him and I see a little 7 yr old.....wonder if that will ever stop? He is a charming and annoying, tolerant and impatient, loving and impulsive, quick-tempered and endearing..... and.......hmmmm....he's ace.

Ace's story:

1994....spring....I am finishing up the 2nd semester of my sign language program....5 kids at home...leah is about to be 10, lyric is 7, jas 6, molly almost 4 and sam is 3 1/2. We have a foster daughter, Bianca, at the time who has been in our home since Thanksgiving. Bianca is 6 years old and deaf. The state is asking us about adopting Bianca and we are praying about it....she is a high maintenance child requiring a lot of attention and catch-up in her social and educational skills....are we the right ones for her and is the right thing for our family? Is this the right time for us to take on another child with such issues, we already have a couple with some issues. I am going to school everynight and David has the kids everynight....thats a big responsibility for one person. The program is only 5 semesters...so I'd be done by the time Leah enters junior high.

I'm pregnant. OH MY GOSH. due November 1994.

Bianca has CMV...that is the cause of her deafness (at birth). Cytomegalovirus....its a virus that most of us have been exposed to and isnt dangerous unless your immune system is weak...or if you pass it to your newborn child....so we were all tested and were fine....except for the new baby. So now we have a decision to make....can we take care of a new baby and Bianca and our 5 other kids?

no.

We tell the foster agency that we will not be adopting Bianca....within a week another family turns up for her.....DEAF PARENTS! they had been trying to adopt for quite awhile...but were only being offered multi-handicapped children....not what they were wishing for...and were very frustrated....then Bianca is available for adoption...she is an answer to their prayers....a deaf child! It truly was a match made in heaven....her family eventually adopted 4 other deaf children (all boys from China!)....mom stays at home to home-school the kids in sign language to get their skills up to snuff...then they are mainstreamed.

i miscarry at 11 weeks.

It was painful and horrible and tragic and awful....period. I also believe that the pregnancy helped us make the decision about Bianca and open the door to her being with loving parents that could really communicate with her.

We took a break from fostering....i needed to heal.

We told our CPS (children's protective service----state foster agency) caseworker that we were done adopting...at least for the foreseeable future....unless they came up with a healthy newborn...we werent interested....we were up to our eyeballs in elementary-age kids. We did a short-term fostering for a 2 yr old boy....that reassured our case worker that perhaps i was ready to have a baby....she worried that after the miscarriage it would be too hard to have a baby in the house so soon.

August 1994...I was getting ready to start my 4th semester of school (summer session had just ended)...this would be a very intensive year with a lot of extracurricular responsibilities.

about dinner time the phone rang....it was our caseworker.....they have a 3 month old healthy baby boy....needs an immediate placement....probably will be up for adoption....are we interested? I look at david and say "i'm at school everynight...if you want this baby, its gonna be all on you!"

ace arrived that night. we all gathered around this fat, little dark-haired boy. he was a keeper. you fall in love with your kids in a way you dont expect....that doesnt change whether you give him birth or give him a home.

The kids were all so excited to have a baby in the house. He was mothered by all 4 girls. He was a really good baby...very happy. His every wish was granted by one of his siblings....or his parents....he brought such joy to our home. Sam was so happy to have another boy in the house. I spent the day with him and david cared for him every night....chauffeuring the other kids wherever they needed to go....it was a long year for him while I finished school. The circumstance of Ace being in foster care was a familiar story ...his mother was just a child herself....no family to support her.... she had some good friends that helped her when he was newly born...and were smart and caring enough to realize they couldnt help her forever...so the state was brought in.

When ace was about 18 months, we were able to take our family to the Dallas Temple and have Ace sealed to us for eternity by my dad, Angus Cannon Ensign, Jr. Dad had also done Molly & Sam's sealings earlier.

Ace's name....

we felt it was important to choose a name for each of our children...regardless of the age they came to us....a family name and a name we love (okay,,,,that sounds like we dont love the family name....but....okay...you get it)...a family name that would connect them to generations past and to their new family....as we talked about what to name Ace, we did as we always did...we made a list of our top 5 boy (or girl) names....then dave & i each rated them 1-5 with 1 being the best....then the votes were tabulated, numbers were added and the name with the smallest cumulative number would be the name. I was rooting for Max....love that name. David suggested Ace....my grandfather's, dad's, brother's & nephew's names are Angus Cannon Ensign (sr, jr, iii, iv)....initials spell ACE....which is the name they went by (except for my grandpa...he was gus or angie (ang....ghee (hard g)).....I love the name and knew that the men in my family liked their name....so I called my brother Ace and asked him if he would mind...and would his son mind us using the name....he assured us 'no prob'...so Ace it would be....not Angus...but Ace...took David's father's name Thomas....voila! Ace Thomas Jeppson.....love the name....named for two men we love.

when we started having/adopting/acquiring kids...we were never sure when we would stop....how would we know? what was the right number? how did other people know when enough was enough? we had talked about having 6...but that was when we thought we would be in control of the timing of said children.

when ace came to our home....we knew that feeling. he was the completion of our family. he continues to be a joy....a big sloppy mess of a 15 yr old joy.

...and here's the rest of the story...

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

....you will be mad at me at the end of this post...but you will come back...oh, yes...you will come back.


all these birth stories...then the post about my niece, Julia, looking to adopt....makes one sit and ponder....check out jasmine's video post if you want a good cry...her link is the princess one on the right....




leah found her birthmother....

it occurs to me....

...well, actually to jasmine....
if i was smarter....i would save multiple posts and publish them intermittently (great word, btw)...instead of publish 162 all in one day.....wow...never even thought of that....great idea....then each post will get its due attention!