this is me now

5.19.2008 dad....

... would have been 80 today---he passed away Feb 18, 2001 from complications of diabetes---heart disease, cardiovascular disease---just yuck....those last two years were is such a decider in how your later years go---and he got the short straw---he was just 72.
but---had he lived to be 80-
---with a modicum of health
---he would have been the old man sitting on the second row of the Gospel Doctrine class---questioning everything you said, sitting with his large-print quad on his lap---nobody could pull a questioning face like Ace Ensign--cocking his head to the side and pursing his lips, brow furrowed....he would clear his voice and, in a very respectful manner, let you know his understanding of the verse you just read---and you would believe him---he had that way...then he would come up to you at the end of class and congratulate you on a job well-done and pat you on the back.
...had he lived to be 80---he would be thrilled with his family---so many missions, temple marriages, great-grandkids---his family was his biggest joy.
...had he lived to be 80---he would have every toy---the GPS, the webcam, digital everything....he came in just too late for all the guy toys we have now---he collected calculators---imagine what he would have done with cell phones and PDA's! He didnt like chat rooms, but I think that was because he didnt feel well and couldnt follow all the random comments---but he would have loved webcams.
...he loved nice cars---so a camera to show what was behind the car---absolutely...cherry red with a really nice stereo for his Anita Kerr or Andy Williams' cds...power everything, cruise control---with the whitest white-wall tires you ever saw....and at some point he would have had a convertible (he told me he always wanted to get a convertible for Mom---yeah, dad, whatever).
....he would have loved the cruise to Alaska 3 years ago.
...he liked motorcycles---so one of those big cruising bikes---altho he wouldnt be able to get mom on it! he loved his bikes...and his helmets....he took good care of whatever he had.
...he liked nice clothes...shiny shoes, co-ordinated ties/belts---but he liked polyester---so I hope he would have adjusted with the times---he wore cardigan sweaters all the time---had one of every color.
...temples---he would be so thrilled at the number of temples---and then point to the maps where temples arent dotting the earth! he'd be encouraging all of us to get to the temple more often....and he'd see us there.
but---if he had lived to be 80
.....he would have hated 9/11----that would have really upset him----he loved to study 'signs of the times'---and that would have been a biggie to him...all the upset in the middle-east.
...the politics and lack of ethics---the scandals---that would have raised his blood pressure--he was such a man of honor that to have others not having the same integrity---too much.
.....the cost of gas---he'd be ranting! as much as he liked nice cars---he'd have a manual transmission little nothing for around town to show that he was saving gas. disasters----dad loved to point out that weather is used in the Scriptures all the time to humble the between tsunamis, hurricanes, droughts, tornadoes, earthquakes....yeah---he'd be preaching humility.
had he lived to be 80----I could with him happy birthday and tell him i love him

5.12.2008 my birth mothers....

every year at this time i think of the 5 women in my life that are a bit melancholy...the 5 women that gave me the gift of a child....whether thru her decision or the decision of the state...she had other choices she could have made. I imagine that Mother's Day is a difficult day for her---wondering if she made the right choice, how her baby is, who her baby is, where....

no matter what she has done with her life since....that was a defining moment in her life. with the exception of one, she was alone in the situation---no man had stayed around to help or be a couple of cases, her life was in such disarray that she couldnt see beyond tomorrow....and in a couple of cases, the state decided she couldnt maintain a stable life for her child. In all cases, I always hope she knows of my appreciation for her and the important part she plays in my life.

I love her and am grateful to her and pray for her happiness and peace.

5.11.2008 is the best of is the worst of times...

I've always had a problem with Mother's day...

the first four years of our marriage---I only wanted to be a mother---desperately---and nothing was working---Mother's day was very very sad.

then Joy! I was a mother---and it was wonderful....but i never quite forgot how hard it was those first few years....and my heart ached for those experiencing the pain of infertiility...still remember that un-ending ache.

the middle years were especially hard---i finally understood why my mother felt so torn on Mother's day---children who are expressing love and gratitude to you for one day and for the other 364 are expressing disdain, disrespect and disobedience....

i will never be the bread-making, clothes-sewing, 'molly-mormon' mother that we honor on Mother's day...that always made me feel uncomfortable---that i wasnt who i thought i should be to be honored....because yesterday i had yelled at my kids, or my house was cluttered...or we ate stouffers lasagna.

this is the first year i like mother's day...why?
  • contention---lack of---easier to keep an eye on the good stuff that happens
  • stouffer's lasagna---that is my lasagna---and it's okay
  • my kids are old enough to accept my warts---and seem to like me despite
  • i'm old enough to accept my warts
  • watching my kids make right decisions
  • aching with kids through difficult times and knowing they will come out of it better
  • aching with kids through difficult times and knowing i did all i could have
  • aching with kids through difficult times and seeing them be okay

why at 50? life would have been so much more pleasant had I felt this way 28 years ago...i guess some of us just learn slower. I am grateful for a Mother's day where I feel calm and happy. the women who mother me....

I am blessed in my life to have a wonderful family---not only the family Dave & I created---but the family I was born into. ...and in that family I have 3 mothers, 3 sisters, 3 friends....3 people I know will give me a soft place to fall, an encouraging response, a measure of sarcastic humor, a sympathetic ear and a dollop of reality...I can always count on Pyper to laugh at my blunders and commiserate with me, and she shares her blunders with me---Eden always builds me up and makes me feel better than I am (really, Eden---you are so easily amazed)...and I can always depend on my mom to push me on, to reassure me and to worry about me---and to have an answer. I love these women.


why david jeppson is not perfect

david has discovered my blog! ...his biggest concern is not that i embarrass him or sound too pessimistic, but that i make him out to be i warned him that i would be blogging about him here goes...
top 10 reasons david jeppson is not perfect

10. David is by far the worst driver ever---scary...TRULY---we used to joke that he hadnt had any accidents---just that he had caused a lot---nowadays we assume that anything wrong with the car is due to a wreck---his wreck---between tickets and accidents---yeah---get out of his way...white-knuckle driving at its finest---for the passengers. In his defense, he has no tickets or accidents on his record....OKAY---DAVID ADDED THAT---thats because our judicial system allows him to do deferred adjudication and comedy defensive driving every 3 months (okay--so i exaggerate a bit---but not much!)

9. How many colors of blue can you combine and still think you match? He will wear a pillsbury dough boy royal blue tie with a striped sky blue shirt and navy blue pants---with worn-out brown shoes and black socks....and baggy khaki shorts with a tucked in t-shirt---with cream socks 1/2 way up his legs............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

8. the man remembers everything about all of his employees---is the most devout home teacher i know---making sure everyone is taken care of---but cant remember what i said to him 3 minutes ago or where i'm going to be in 3 minutes....yes, i feel forgotten!

7. he's a passive-aggressive delayer...he'll tell me about a speeding ticket (see #10) a week later...he will threaten and coerce the kids to not rat on him about a day i was having a conversation at the house with a visitor---david walks in---sits in the kitchen with us and listens to the conversation for 20 minutes and then interjects---"oh, I should let you know---I was in an accident... "(see #10)...he waits til the last minute with a problem and then 'oh, by the way....'

6. the man cant dance...he doesnt even have two left feet. He doesnt look at me when he dances-he stares off into the distance---swaying back and forth like a 13 yr old boy....pumping his right arm up and down and slowly winding us into a vortex that will consume us. I think the slow dances are the time to rest to get ready for the fast dances---he thinks the fast dances are the time to eat the refreshments....and so are the slow dances. he noticed leah and ace dancing--and commented how they both chat with the people they are dancing with---duh!

5.His hobby is applying for credit interest no fee credit cards--then he does the whole shell game robbing-peter-to-pay-paul to keep them paid off---and he always makes it---and he gets such delight in beating the credit card companies at their own game---but how annoying---because he signs up for them in his name---and then in my name (double the benefit, you understand!)--and so when he needs to get rid of the credit card---I HAVE TO DO THE CANCELLING. He does the same with rebates---but doesnt involve should see him the day after Thanksgiving...and we never have anything with the UPC code still attached.

4.his crackberry---the minute we get in the car (i drive--see #10) out comes the blackberry and he proceeds to slip into his own world of emails and internet...he is territorial about his toys--his Church News---dont come near it til he's read it...the CVS ads---dont even start....dont cross in front of him during "America's Funniest Home Videos" or "Boston Legal" or the Unit--but he'll come in chattin and makin all sorts of noise during American Idol!

3. If i have the sniffles---he has pneumonia...i rarely mention that i'm not feeling well because i KNOW he will come up within 24 hours of something i wait til after he is sick and recovers--then i play the guilt card that i had been sick all along.

2. He falls asleep everywhere---and not just nodding-your-head kinda sleeping---i'm talkin curl up into a ball type of sleep. He falls asleep during family night---during the prayer....falls asleep driving, on the freeway, in heavy traffic (see #10)

1. he gives me.

....praise to the man....

...stake conference this weekend---got to do my favorite thing---direct music...Saturday evening was funny---had two songs changed---one right before the meeting and one DURING the meeting! Fortunately, Kiera Elledge, the organist, is amazing and rolled with the punches---albeit a bit shook up....a Ben & Julianne Winzenz sang "o Divine Redeemer"--one of my dad's favorites---and i got to accompany them....very very nice.
...Sunday morning got to lead the music---having a chapel & gym full singing back "praise to the Man'---what a glorious sound! total goosebump moment. I love looking over the congregation and seeing people happy to be singing. The choir had a great turnout and did a really nice job with "Come Thou Fount"--I call it the primary program principle---the spirit works during the performance and it sounds magnificent. We have a great group of people in our stake who are always willing to join in.
...and.....i get to get a new outfit for conference---so its all good...

like i need an excuse to get a new outfit.

just for you jasmine---put the whole ensemble back on!


a visit from Joe & Leah

This is Leah & Joe arriving from Utah on Thursday---she looked great. They came into town for Joe's sister's, Sara, wedding. They stayed in our guestroom! (see my earlier posts!) I had to leave right away for a trip to Austin to do a show for my hubby Dave's meeting---it was hard to leave immediately, but I was glad to see them that first day---Dave & I came back from Austin the next day---so I got to spend good time with them the rest of the weekend. Leah was so tired on Saturday after the reception that she fell asleep on our couch---so Joe brought down his pillow and blanket and slept on the floor next to her---awwwwwww. I forgot how tired you are during pregnancy. They came to church with us on Sunday and then flew back up to Utah.
Ace is taller than all of his sisters now! (Leah is standing on her tippy-toes). Leah, Lyric & I went shopping on saturday for maternity clothes---we found some really cute things at jcpenneys on sale! She doesnt really need them yet---but she's ready for when she does.
Leah & Joe were both in the line at the wedding reception--it was very nice, baked potato bar and white chocolate fountain for fruit---Leah took a break every now and then to get off her feet...and the bridesmaid dresses (this is shown in chartreuse---but the dresses were red) were cute enough that Lyric took Leah's after the wedding!
This is Rachel (Joe's youngest sister, 14) and Ace---yeah---Rachel LOVES to have her pictures taken. Ace asked a girl to dance and she was totally smitten...she walked up to Leah and told her that she had a crush on Leah's brother. Ace is hilarious to watch dance---because he chats the entire time---i love guys that chat!...but we do have to work on his technique. He does the locked-knees rocking back and forth kinda slow dance---that wont do!
Lyric came to the reception with a guy from the singles ward---but I caught this picture of her and Ace. She looked cute. Then a group of singles went to a house and played for her to get out....okay---that makes her sound like she is huddled under the covers---she's not.
It was a lovely weekend---great to see Leah & Joe---got to go to the temple for a wedding---doesnt get better than that...ate at CiCi's---one of my favorites---truly---then I headed off Sunday evening after a stake conference choir rehearsal for a show in Ada, Oklahoma on Monday! We (Dancingmoose) are going full-time with the show---travelling all over---starting mid-summer. I will be starting another blog about our adventures on the road for that...but til then...
God is love

rev merf