why david jeppson is not perfect

david has discovered my blog! ...his biggest concern is not that i embarrass him or sound too pessimistic, but that i make him out to be perfect...so i warned him that i would be blogging about him next...so here goes...

top 10 reasons david jeppson is not perfect

10. David is by far the worst driver ever---scary...TRULY---we used to joke that he hadnt had any accidents---just that he had caused a lot---nowadays we assume that anything wrong with the car is due to a wreck---his wreck---between tickets and accidents---yeah---get out of his way...white-knuckle driving at its finest---for the passengers. In his defense, he has no tickets or accidents on his record....OKAY---DAVID ADDED THAT---thats because our judicial system allows him to do deferred adjudication and comedy defensive driving every 3 months (okay--so i exaggerate a bit---but not much!)

9. How many colors of blue can you combine and still think you match? He will wear a pillsbury dough boy royal blue tie with a striped sky blue shirt and navy blue pants---with worn-out brown shoes and black socks....and baggy khaki shorts with a tucked in t-shirt---with cream socks 1/2 way up his legs............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

8. the man remembers everything about all of his employees---is the most devout home teacher i know---making sure everyone is taken care of---but cant remember what i said to him 3 minutes ago or where i'm going to be in 3 minutes....yes, i feel forgotten!

7. he's a passive-aggressive delayer...he'll tell me about a speeding ticket (see #10) a week later...he will threaten and coerce the kids to not rat on him about a ticket...one day i was having a conversation at the house with a visitor---david walks in---sits in the kitchen with us and listens to the conversation for 20 minutes and then interjects---"oh, I should let you know---I was in an accident... "(see #10)...he waits til the last minute with a problem and then 'oh, by the way....'

6. the man cant dance...he doesnt even have two left feet. He doesnt look at me when he dances-he stares off into the distance---swaying back and forth like a 13 yr old boy....pumping his right arm up and down and slowly winding us into a vortex that will consume us. I think the slow dances are the time to rest to get ready for the fast dances---he thinks the fast dances are the time to eat the refreshments....and so are the slow dances. he noticed leah and ace dancing--and commented how they both chat with the people they are dancing with---duh!

5.His hobby is applying for credit cards...no interest no fee credit cards--then he does the whole shell game robbing-peter-to-pay-paul to keep them paid off---and he always makes it---and he gets such delight in beating the credit card companies at their own game---but how annoying---because he signs up for them in his name---and then in my name (double the benefit, you understand!)--and so when he needs to get rid of the credit card---I HAVE TO DO THE CANCELLING. He does the same with rebates---but doesnt involve me...you should see him the day after Thanksgiving...and we never have anything with the UPC code still attached.

4.his crackberry---the minute we get in the car (i drive--see #10) out comes the blackberry and he proceeds to slip into his own world of emails and internet...he is territorial about his toys--his Church News---dont come near it til he's read it...the CVS ads---dont even start....dont cross in front of him during "America's Funniest Home Videos" or "Boston Legal" or the Unit--but he'll come in chattin and makin all sorts of noise during American Idol!

3. If i have the sniffles---he has pneumonia...i rarely mention that i'm not feeling well because i KNOW he will come up within 24 hours of something worse...so i wait til after he is sick and recovers--then i play the guilt card that i had been sick all along.

2. He falls asleep everywhere---and not just nodding-your-head kinda sleeping---i'm talkin curl up into a ball type of sleep. He falls asleep during family night---during the prayer....falls asleep driving, on the freeway, in heavy traffic (see #10)

1. he gives in...to me.