this is me now

5.11.2008

..it is the best of times...it is the worst of times...

I've always had a problem with Mother's day...

the first four years of our marriage---I only wanted to be a mother---desperately---and nothing was working---Mother's day was very very sad.

then Joy! I was a mother---and it was wonderful....but i never quite forgot how hard it was those first few years....and my heart ached for those experiencing the pain of infertiility...still remember that un-ending ache.

the middle years were especially hard---i finally understood why my mother felt so torn on Mother's day---children who are expressing love and gratitude to you for one day and for the other 364 are expressing disdain, disrespect and disobedience....

i will never be the bread-making, clothes-sewing, 'molly-mormon' mother that we honor on Mother's day...that always made me feel uncomfortable---that i wasnt who i thought i should be to be honored....because yesterday i had yelled at my kids, or my house was cluttered...or we ate stouffers lasagna.

this is the first year i like mother's day...why?
  • contention---lack of---easier to keep an eye on the good stuff that happens
  • stouffer's lasagna---that is my lasagna---and it's okay
  • my kids are old enough to accept my warts---and seem to like me despite
  • i'm old enough to accept my warts
  • watching my kids make right decisions
  • aching with kids through difficult times and knowing they will come out of it better
  • aching with kids through difficult times and knowing i did all i could have
  • aching with kids through difficult times and seeing them be okay

why at 50? life would have been so much more pleasant had I felt this way 28 years ago...i guess some of us just learn slower. I am grateful for a Mother's day where I feel calm and happy.

4 comments:

Lyric said...

post post post post post post...

**you typing up your new blog post***....(5 seconds later): "Lyric why havent you commented yet on my post yet?"

Happy Mothers Day Mom. thanks for giving me the opportunity to drive you crazy, talk your ear off, watch sappy movies with you, and just cry when i need to. Love you <3

Statuesque Traffic Cone said...

Sister Jeppson! I love your blog! I guess I should wish you a happy mothers day, as you practically helped raise me too!

Carmel

Cathy said...

im glad you are happy on mothers day!! and i love the poem you posted on the side!!

AnonymousPrincess said...

You are the best mommy! Stouffers Lasagna is the best route to go! You have always treated us right, taught us well, and loved us even better! Thank you for 20 years of being my mother!