..it is the best of times...it is the worst of times...

I've always had a problem with Mother's day...

the first four years of our marriage---I only wanted to be a mother---desperately---and nothing was working---Mother's day was very very sad.

then Joy! I was a mother---and it was wonderful....but i never quite forgot how hard it was those first few years....and my heart ached for those experiencing the pain of infertiility...still remember that un-ending ache.

the middle years were especially hard---i finally understood why my mother felt so torn on Mother's day---children who are expressing love and gratitude to you for one day and for the other 364 are expressing disdain, disrespect and disobedience....

i will never be the bread-making, clothes-sewing, 'molly-mormon' mother that we honor on Mother's day...that always made me feel uncomfortable---that i wasnt who i thought i should be to be honored....because yesterday i had yelled at my kids, or my house was cluttered...or we ate stouffers lasagna.

this is the first year i like mother's day...why?

• contention---lack of---easier to keep an eye on the good stuff that happens
• stouffer's lasagna---that is my lasagna---and it's okay
• my kids are old enough to accept my warts---and seem to like me despite
• i'm old enough to accept my warts
• watching my kids make right decisions
• aching with kids through difficult times and knowing they will come out of it better
• aching with kids through difficult times and knowing i did all i could have
• aching with kids through difficult times and seeing them be okay

why at 50? life would have been so much more pleasant had I felt this way 28 years ago...i guess some of us just learn slower. I am grateful for a Mother's day where I feel calm and happy.