cliquish? snobby? intimidating?

this will be short---and all about me---
when i was in college studying sign language---it came very easy to me---the vocabulary and the signing out---not really the reading of other people's signs---but anyway---i did very well----i also had 6 kids at home between the ages of 3 months and 10 years old---and i was gone every  night at school----and i took it very seriously.
one day we were asked to write down a critique of others in the class (WHY WOULD A TEACHER DO THAT?)---most of my critiques were "you are awesome!" "great facial expression"---etc-----thanks---but then one.....ONE.... said "why dont you share your talent with others? you keep it to yourself and are a little cliquish in who you interact with and not willing to share to encourage those of us struggling"

i was cut to the core......knife in my heart.....obviously---i still remember it 17 years later.....i wasnt being elitist----it wasnt that i didnt care----i assumed that they were fine without me and my influence----and i've never forgotten how that felt when she said it---well wrote it.

i still worry about that.  i'm not a snob----i'm shy....reticent....hesistant....less than overly confident (great---now i am humming Sound of Music "I have Confidence"---haha---so are you!)

WHA---WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? MEREDITH? SHY? BAHAHAHAHHAHA!

i know i come across as intimidating---as "i can do that'"----- but most ---neigh all of the time---(okay---now i am worrying if it is nay or neigh---i think it is nay---as in no)  so nay, all of the time it is an act---i am onstage. i assume that everyone is 'realer' in their behavior/personality/etc than i am----i admire people who can get mad in public or be 'frank'-----to the offender----i cant do that---i talk a good story---but when face to face---i dont confront....i also dont put myself out there to help because i assume that anything i can do is not really that valuable.
i have been blessed with talents---i reek of talents---but anyone can have my talents---take lessons from 5 yrs old on and you too can be shallow-talented.
i admire people with talents that are faith-based.....who are calm in their skin----who truly dont care if people dont think they are cute (not facial cute-ness---more behavioral cuteness).  thats not me....i dont assume people like me unless i am the onstage me.  my talents are shallow---visual---on stage.  the greatest gift i would like to have is natural compassion---where it came naturally---it doesnt.
even in the shows i do---i am onstage (duh meredith---of course you are onstage---you are in a show)----when i walk into a room of people i dont know---i DO NOT assume that people want to meet me.  i am likely to hover around the food table or chat with people who already know me as cute me.
when lyric was young---there was chatter that she was uppity---yes---i said it---and she and i talked about it---she was/is/was SO PAINFULLY shy---and didnt smile at people---and worried---that she came across as aloof---snobby----it came up many many many many---yes---quad-many times.....i get it.
so---backstage at Annie and now, Sound of Music....i am working very hard to reach out---to talk to people--- to volunteer to do something----to say hello (i assume they either dont remember who i am or are so ensconced in such a deep conversation that i would only be interrupting) to show genuine interest in their life---to be helpful----to rehearse with someone who is struggling---to say hi to the teenage boys who could care less about a 'older than dirt' nun---to offer to help or join---thats it-----I'M NOT A JOINER---i dont go out to Chili's after the show---i assume they will have more fun if i'm not there.....i am an invitee.....I LOVE TO PLAN----but then i assume people arent really going to want to come unless i have great food and great other people to be fun.

this was more rambling than i intended----just that i am proud of myself for learning names of people that i dont know and asking them about their life without putting in my 2 cents....its not about me....and now i am kicking myself for being proud of myself for learning names---really merf? REALLY? that is appalling.

i think i have posted this before----obviously a pathetic plea for attention and acknowledgment.