this is me now


cliquish? snobby? intimidating?

this will be short---and all about me---
when i was in college studying sign language---it came very easy to me---the vocabulary and the signing out---not really the reading of other people's signs---but anyway---i did very well----i also had 6 kids at home between the ages of 3 months and 10 years old---and i was gone every  night at school----and i took it very seriously.
one day we were asked to write down a critique of others in the class (WHY WOULD A TEACHER DO THAT?)---most of my critiques were "you are awesome!" "great facial expression"---etc-----thanks---but then one.....ONE.... said "why dont you share your talent with others? you keep it to yourself and are a little cliquish in who you interact with and not willing to share to encourage those of us struggling"

i was cut to the core......knife in my heart.....obviously---i still remember it 17 years later.....i wasnt being elitist----it wasnt that i didnt care----i assumed that they were fine without me and my influence----and i've never forgotten how that felt when she said it---well wrote it.

i still worry about that.  i'm not a snob----i'm shy....reticent....hesistant....less than overly confident (great---now i am humming Sound of Music "I have Confidence"---haha---so are you!)


i know i come across as intimidating---as "i can do that'"----- but most ---neigh all of the time---(okay---now i am worrying if it is nay or neigh---i think it is nay---as in no)  so nay, all of the time it is an act---i am onstage. i assume that everyone is 'realer' in their behavior/personality/etc than i am----i admire people who can get mad in public or be 'frank'-----to the offender----i cant do that---i talk a good story---but when face to face---i dont confront....i also dont put myself out there to help because i assume that anything i can do is not really that valuable.
i have been blessed with talents---i reek of talents---but anyone can have my talents---take lessons from 5 yrs old on and you too can be shallow-talented.
i admire people with talents that are faith-based.....who are calm in their skin----who truly dont care if people dont think they are cute (not facial cute-ness---more behavioral cuteness).  thats not me....i dont assume people like me unless i am the onstage me.  my talents are shallow---visual---on stage.  the greatest gift i would like to have is natural compassion---where it came naturally---it doesnt.
even in the shows i do---i am onstage (duh meredith---of course you are onstage---you are in a show)----when i walk into a room of people i dont know---i DO NOT assume that people want to meet me.  i am likely to hover around the food table or chat with people who already know me as cute me.
when lyric was young---there was chatter that she was uppity---yes---i said it---and she and i talked about it---she was/is/was SO PAINFULLY shy---and didnt smile at people---and worried---that she came across as aloof---snobby----it came up many many many many---yes---quad-many times.....i get it.
so---backstage at Annie and now, Sound of Music....i am working very hard to reach out---to talk to people--- to volunteer to do something----to say hello (i assume they either dont remember who i am or are so ensconced in such a deep conversation that i would only be interrupting) to show genuine interest in their life---to be helpful----to rehearse with someone who is struggling---to say hi to the teenage boys who could care less about a 'older than dirt' nun---to offer to help or join---thats it-----I'M NOT A JOINER---i dont go out to Chili's after the show---i assume they will have more fun if i'm not there.....i am an invitee.....I LOVE TO PLAN----but then i assume people arent really going to want to come unless i have great food and great other people to be fun.

this was more rambling than i intended----just that i am proud of myself for learning names of people that i dont know and asking them about their life without putting in my 2 cents....its not about me....and now i am kicking myself for being proud of myself for learning names---really merf? REALLY? that is appalling.

i think i have posted this before----obviously a pathetic plea for attention and acknowledgment.


Lyric said...

I cannot relate to this at all.


Caroline said...

Totally get it. I'm very good at hiding in the background and not saying much. It has made me very "talk-to-able" and I tend to have mere acquaintances trust me with the most confidential information... Kinda strange. Anyway, I've been called snobby and aloof when I'm really just scared out of my wits to talk to people. Maybe I'll get over it someday. Probably not.

Good use of the word "ensconced". What a good word. :)

Jackie said...

i LOVE that you said you reek of talents. that was awesome! :)

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

**Sending love, validation, and attention your way**

Princess Mommy said...

I never have this problem!!...well...rarely ...only sometimes....ok..all the time.

Christie said...

Yet another post I can relate to so much!