this is me now


Dear Albertsons,

Please stop having sales. My deep freezer died...and we are not replacing it right i have no room for your buy 1 get 2 free chicken breasts....or multiple flavors of Gold Rim Blue Bell ice cream....or Stauffers (homemade) lasagna (party size)....or "reduced for quick sale" meat of any kind. I promised Leah I'd try to do better on not stuffing my pantry with multiple jars of mayonnaise/ketchup/salad dressing/peanut butter (no, wait---that was david). Please take me off your mailing list. and now! really? triple coupons? again!? i thought we had been thru all that....I dont need 10 boxes of Hamburger Helper for $7.
I have seen "Hoarders"....and i dont want to be THAT woman.
Thank you.

Dear Merf,
Thank you for contacting our store. We value you as a customer.

GROW one held that 6 pack of Orange Crush ($3.99) to your head. You had a didnt need much. You could have walked to the back of the store and picked up your Skim Milk ($1.49---kudos to dave and ace btw---way to be health-conscious!) and gone thru our many self-check-out stands and been on your way! You didnt need to walk thru the Frozen Pizza (bogo/$3.99--identical item only) aisle and its way too hot to have Blue Bell Mini Ice Cream Sandwiches (bogo/$4.79--identical item only) in your car. There are only 3 of you at home now....will you be able to finish those 2 bags of Lettuce Trio ($2.79/bogo---identical item only) before they go bad? And, while we are on the subject, you no longer have grandkids in the house....why are you still buying animal crackers ($1.00 per individual box---you know--the cute boxes with the animals in cages like on a circus train)? Yes, I understand that you want to be THAT grandma---so you are welcome for Pillsbury cookie dough on sale (3/$4.00)---but who are you thinking is going to eat those cookies?
We love you and again, value as a customer---you keep us in business--impulse and emotional shoppers are our life-blood--and we appreciate all you do for us..the not making menus, the changing your mind about dinner at the last minute, the 'i found the recipe for Rachael Ray's devilled eggs and need bacon" moments...we will always have a grocery cart ready for you...but PLEASE! dont hold us accountable for your lack of self-control know your mom taught you better than this.... dont come shopping when you are hungry.
see you soon,
Joe Albertson

ps....try to dress up a little more when you come into the store---we have a rep to maintain.


Lyric said...

hahahaha. I like your Albertsons response. I am going to have ben read this so he can see what is going on in my head when I shop!

Ashley said...

Haha, love it! The response letter could have been written to me!

Princess Mommy said...

Love it! Also, your mom taught you to put KFC in the cupboard. Just sayin..

Michelle said...

Did you wear your slippers out in public again?

BTW--This was stinkin' hilarious!

Unknown said...

i must admit----i have worn my slippers, pajama pants, muu-muus out in public more than once....not all together tho!

Lana said...


Christie said...

I stocked up on those cute little boxes of animal crackers when there was a $1 off ANY Nabisco crackers size restriction and they are Nabisco!

Rondi said...

You probably have this habit of walking through the store aisle by aisle because of your days at Sams in Beaumont. Remember those days? Lunchtime was the special time--sample tasting time. Now you have just upped it to buying the whole package.