cliquish? snobby? intimidating?

this will be short---and all about me---
when i was in college studying sign language---it came very easy to me---the vocabulary and the signing out---not really the reading of other people's signs---but anyway---i did very well----i also had 6 kids at home between the ages of 3 months and 10 years old---and i was gone every  night at school----and i took it very seriously.
one day we were asked to write down a critique of others in the class (WHY WOULD A TEACHER DO THAT?)---most of my critiques were "you are awesome!" "great facial expression"---etc-----thanks---but then one.....ONE.... said "why dont you share your talent with others? you keep it to yourself and are a little cliquish in who you interact with and not willing to share to encourage those of us struggling"

i was cut to the core......knife in my heart.....obviously---i still remember it 17 years later.....i wasnt being elitist----it wasnt that i didnt care----i assumed that they were fine without me and my influence----and i've never forgotten how that felt when she said it---well wrote it.

i still worry about that.  i'm not a snob----i'm shy....reticent....hesistant....less than overly confident (great---now i am humming Sound of Music "I have Confidence"---haha---so are you!)

WHA---WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? MEREDITH? SHY? BAHAHAHAHHAHA!

i know i come across as intimidating---as "i can do that'"----- but most ---neigh all of the time---(okay---now i am worrying if it is nay or neigh---i think it is nay---as in no)  so nay, all of the time it is an act---i am onstage. i assume that everyone is 'realer' in their behavior/personality/etc than i am----i admire people who can get mad in public or be 'frank'-----to the offender----i cant do that---i talk a good story---but when face to face---i dont confront....i also dont put myself out there to help because i assume that anything i can do is not really that valuable.
i have been blessed with talents---i reek of talents---but anyone can have my talents---take lessons from 5 yrs old on and you too can be shallow-talented.
i admire people with talents that are faith-based.....who are calm in their skin----who truly dont care if people dont think they are cute (not facial cute-ness---more behavioral cuteness).  thats not me....i dont assume people like me unless i am the onstage me.  my talents are shallow---visual---on stage.  the greatest gift i would like to have is natural compassion---where it came naturally---it doesnt.
even in the shows i do---i am onstage (duh meredith---of course you are onstage---you are in a show)----when i walk into a room of people i dont know---i DO NOT assume that people want to meet me.  i am likely to hover around the food table or chat with people who already know me as cute me.
when lyric was young---there was chatter that she was uppity---yes---i said it---and she and i talked about it---she was/is/was SO PAINFULLY shy---and didnt smile at people---and worried---that she came across as aloof---snobby----it came up many many many many---yes---quad-many times.....i get it.
so---backstage at Annie and now, Sound of Music....i am working very hard to reach out---to talk to people--- to volunteer to do something----to say hello (i assume they either dont remember who i am or are so ensconced in such a deep conversation that i would only be interrupting) to show genuine interest in their life---to be helpful----to rehearse with someone who is struggling---to say hi to the teenage boys who could care less about a 'older than dirt' nun---to offer to help or join---thats it-----I'M NOT A JOINER---i dont go out to Chili's after the show---i assume they will have more fun if i'm not there.....i am an invitee.....I LOVE TO PLAN----but then i assume people arent really going to want to come unless i have great food and great other people to be fun.

this was more rambling than i intended----just that i am proud of myself for learning names of people that i dont know and asking them about their life without putting in my 2 cents....its not about me....and now i am kicking myself for being proud of myself for learning names---really merf? REALLY? that is appalling.

i think i have posted this before----obviously a pathetic plea for attention and acknowledgment.

Next Food Network Star

is me!  well---maybe not---but i do my darnedest.

The local Community theater that i indulge my need for applause at (hmmm---dangling particple aside---that is a convuluted combination of words)----Artisan Center Theater in Hurst, Tx----was doing "Proposals"---and they needed a traditional 1960's meal for every performance---tuna noodle casserole, green salad, jello, cookies and pecan pie (i grew up in the 60's---never had pecan pie---but the rest is totally onspot)---I LOVE TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE---so i volunteered to make a casserole every Monday and Friday for the performances.  I GOOGLED (adding in another love) tuna noodle casserole recipes from the 1960's and went to town---did i mention i love reading recipes and cookbooks/magazines?---if i didnt---i do.

i served tuna noodles with macaroni noodles, wide egg noodles, twirly noodles---with peas & carrots, with peppers, with corn flakes on top----all served in a traditional cassserole dish.

the prop-momma---Tammie Phillips---and i concocted a plan-----

in my research---i came across an AMAZING recipe---tuna lime jello loaf!  and THERE WERE MULTIPLE RECIPES of this---its not a fluke, folks!  so tammie and i agreed that the last weekend THIS DELICIOUSNESS would be presented to the cast ONSTAGE---so it makes its debut TODAY!

as i made it---being the good chef i am----i tasted (i learned that from Chopped and from Gordon Ramsay---you have to taste your food---)----and it was NOT bad! (now---truth in advertising----i let the jello set a little too much before adding in the other ingredients---so i would imagine the next time you wont see chunks of jello---but this makes for good theater)

lime jello, tuna, chopped celery, minced onion, lemon juice, little bit of mayo, chopped hard boiled eggs---combine in a loaf pan---chill---serve!  (it made the funniest 'galush' sound as it came out of the loaf pan)

me thinks my boys at home are going to get this next week---just to see....anyone wanna come to dinner?

dressing girls

Elizabeth Ann Hall....born February 23, 2011....7:18 a.m....8 lb....19.5 inches....

a most lovely little girl...looks a lot like her brother, Ben....except

she wears florals
she wears purple

she wears pink

she wears ruffles

she wears headbands

......leggings

......tutus

......dresses

.....bows

.....lacy socks

.....ribbons

.....jewelry

....smocking

Dear Ben's Mom...

Please dont come.  Ben loves me.  He cries when I leave.  He says "mama!" when i get in his eyesight.  We play chase.  He likes my dogs.  He likes Mrs. Beasley.  Tonight he cried for me to be the one to put him to bed.  We cuddled and watched "The Voice".  He fell asleep in my arms.  He likes me...he really likes me.

i leave tomorrow morning...early....before he wakes up (stupid shiny me---i'm weeping!)---and when I get home you will have been with him for 24 hours...
When you come....you will be "Mommy!"...and i will be 'the other'.

Love,
Ben's mama

ps....please bring beth with you.

vanity, thy name is...........

MEREDITH ANN ENSIGN JEPPSON

okay---a few things you need to know about me---if you dont already.

i am very very vain---altho i hide it well by wearing unkempt,goofy hair and not always wearing makeup and schlupping (sp?) around in slippers and muu-muu's (all totally done to hide my natural vane-ness---yeah---right) (hmmm---have i blogged about my love of muu-muu's and how happy i am to finally be the age to wear them and not be totally guffawed (yes, I said it) at---AND----have you counted how deep into parentheses i am!?))))))

i love maxi dresses---thats what we called them in the late 1960's----they are the wonderful "dont have to wear hose or worry about keeping your knees together or bending over" dresses....AND they are IN right now! yay!

knowing those two points---you are now prepared to read the rest of this post.

i go to church today----ready to play with my sweet nursery kids----which means i wear LONG FLOWING skirts or MAXI dresses!

i'm feeling pretty good----i have a couple of dresses that ( at least, I think) make me look long and lean...or at least long.

then in walks our wonderful music leader---she comes in every week and sings with the kids---and she is the mommy of one of my sweet boys---today, in the interest of anonymity (sp?--really, merf---twice you have to sp?) we'll call her Barbie (ashley---dont take it personally---i'm giving you an alias to protect your identity----oops)---she is a pretty, blonde, talented and pleasant young mother and has two of the most beautiful little boys (well---other than MY little boys----but.....i digress......)))))----and did i mention she is 6 stinkin months pregnant!!!!!???? (she is due in July---so even with that ---her mom beats me out---mine are due in august and september----gawsh)

and i notice....we have the same dress (style) on....oh my stinkin gosh----she is 6 months pregnant---with her 3rd child---which means, we all know, that she looks like 8 months ( but you dont, ash---i mean Barbie---sorry---i'll work on that)))).....so i look down at what i thought was long and lean....and just see....wellllll---realizing that the dress doesnt necessarily fit well---the straps need to come up A LOT---and its dragging on the ground....Barbie's (see, Ashley---I can remember to not....oh,,,,, rats) doesnt drag---BUT SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL BELLY holding hers up.

the end result is----she lets me take a picture of her---not knowing what i have planned until AFTER i take the picture---see what i mean when i say she is pleasant!?---and then tries very hard to convince me that i dont look 6 MONTHS PREGNANT and that her dress isnt really a maternity dress (does that argument work on ANYONE? )......and i'm sure it was very awkward for her---but she didnt show it....pleasant.

so.....i'm going to give the dress to lyric---i think its probably too long for leah----altho i am 5'6" now (thats a whole 'nuther blog---I'VE STARTED SHRINKING)))))----because, in my mind....it is a maternity dress....or, at the very least, belongs on a much younger, pleasanter---altho NOT BLONDER (so there, ashl---i mean Barbie---yeah---thats it)

this is not a pathetic plea for 'NO NO NO MERF---you look GREAT' (for a woman your age---you always forget to say that)---it just is what it is.....sigh.

have i?

...i'm fine.....how apropos that my time of "grrrr" came right before the LDS General Conference---a time when we can listen to the inspired leaders of the Lord's church---and i can glean from it what i'm supposed to hear and use.....Lord, I heard....and i will use.
....when President Uchtdorf tells me that the answer to my prayers wont necessarily happen when i am on my knees, but when i am on my feet, serving.....i better get up off my duff.
When Elder Paul Johnson talks about the beauty of the view comes AFTER the climb....i better continue climbing.....(i HATE climbing, btw)....cant i just walk farther? okay---i wont argue---i'll climb.
Sister Allred talks about being prepared and the Relief Society being prepared to help during times of struggle across the world----and i'm griping about my kid not being invited to a movie?
When Bishop H Burke Peterson talks about those around us that desperately need our help----gulp----i have it pretty good....and better stop belly-aching.

Hymns 223, Have I Done Any Good?

1. Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love.

2. There are chances for work all around just now,

Opportunities right in our way.

Do not let them pass by, saying, “Sometime I’ll try,”

But go and do something today.

’Tis noble of man to work and to give;

Love’s labor has merit alone.

Only he who does something helps others to live.

To God each good work will be known.

the last line of the song was changed in 1985 with the new hymnbook----it used to say "the world has no need for a drone" We dont get to sing the word 'drone' very often....i still sing those words---rebel---go ahead---try it---yes---sing it---out loud--its great poetry!

he'll be fine....i'll be breathing for him.

merf----dont be a drone.

grrrrrr

coming soon
nothing cryptic about this one
grrrrrr

okay---now i'm rethinking----you know----sometimes you just need time to calm down----and then you rethink how it might sound---BUT DAGNABIT ----

i am sure that i come across as competent---fine----able---put-together----possibly even intimidatingly unapproachable (altho i hope not!)----

not always true

sometimes i'm not fine----sometimes i'm not all that put together----

but i can take care of myself----now----my children are a different animal.....the claws come out---even if they arent aware of anything....(my kid----not the claws---claws arent ever aware of anything---they are people---this is not going to work if you cant stay up with me)

look around your ward----there may be kids in your ward from active families that still need to be included/invited....children with no siblings---or maybe siblings THAT ARE GROWN AND GONE....or maybe many siblings and they need to be singled out for some extra attention----

i have such a kid----with such a good heart---accepts everyone----likes everyone----invites/includes everyone----assumes that everyone else likes everyone else---never takes offense----but i notice and i take offense and i get MAD

so when there is a clique---and there is---that excludes not only MY child---but others as well (i've actually had parents come up to me and ask why some kids get invited to pre-dance parties or movies and some dont---i didnt have an answer and i was embarrassed for my ward)---

my kid has friends---nice kids---but what do we do when we say we want him to double-date with LDS kids---so he approaches them and is told their group date to the Mormon Prom is full---really? the group is full? how many makes a group?  didnt realize that a group is a definite number.

what do we do when there is an activity at church and the kids in charge (clique-members) DONT call my kid to tell him its been cancelled----DONT tag him on fb to tell him about an event-----grrrrrrrr.  please dont talk about all the kids from the ward meeting at your house to go to a movie---in front of kids that arent invited---because it really isnt all the kids, now is it?

who do i talk to? do i go up to the parents and say something? NO---cause that makes me look hovering----do i talk to the clique? NO---stupid kids.  

so i blog----and i put it out there----and if you have active good kids in your area/ward/school that seem to be fine----look closely----every teen needs someone other than their parents encouraging them---and please! encourage your kids to include others.

ya know---this goes for adults too----dont assume that just because we come to church on Sunday, that we've been around forever, that we appear to have it all together---dont assume that we dont need.

okay---i'm done now. i chickened out in naming names and being as specific and as catty as i had intended....and i do catty really well.